Spiritual Despair

The slippery slope from spiritual despair to spiritual materialism and steps for reconnecting to Truth

The path from despair to materialism…

The trait I like least about myself is envy.
It’s not that I don’t want other people to have nice things or incredible experiences — it’s that my tendency is to just want those things too in a way that is a little closer to, I need to have it, than it is to, Wouldn’t it be nice if I could enjoy that too.

(This is ongoing work for me, and for anyone else who is doing this work and wants some tips, my practice for a long time has been two-fold: first, I actively say to myself I am so happy that person has [fill in the blank], and second, I send love to whatever part of me feels deficient or lacking. Try it out if you like.)

The area of my life in which this is most painful is when I find myself comparing my spiritual experiences with those I have read about or heard from others.
When I read about people meeting their Guru and instantaneously becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of Love, or of their Guru saying something to them that shatters their world view, I am not proud to admit that my first thought is almost always, I want that so bad! What if it doesn’t happen for me??
In the clearest part of my mind, I know that whether or not this happens is not personal — that it doesn’t say anything about my inherent value. But in my more human mind, I begin to despair.

This is not the only way in which I experience spiritual despair, it’s just the type that came up today as I read story after story of Neem Karoli Baba performing miracles in front of the people lucky enough to be in his company.
This particular occurrence, however, did invite me to accept the presence of this type of suffering that I have felt on and off for much of my life and that has become more common over the last many years as atrocity after atrocity are publicly aired, while being downplayed as common by leaders and the media.

In essence, for me, spiritual despair is the feeling of disconnection to living spirit, the effect of which is a closed down and defended heart. I can feel it. I can feel the lack in generosity of love that is my most natural way of being. I feel off, out of sync, and totally ungrounded.
This is generally when I double down on my spiritual practices in an effort to reconnect. I was lucky enough at a very young age to be taught that these practices don’t require any materials outside my own being. Most people, however, are taught that if they are suffering in any way, they need to obtain something outside of themselves in order to feel better.

It is human behavior that when we are in despair, we are always looking for a way out. This prompts us to want to “do something,” to “fix” whatever lies inside that makes us feel so dejected. We long for a roadmap out of suffering that has clear demarcations of progress, and while trying to follow this path we want someone else (ideally an expert) to assure us that the next level of “progress” has been reached.

This begins the process of what Tibetan Buddhist Master, Chogyam Trungpa, called “Spiritual Materialism.”

“Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for those who have been there.” -Anonymous AA member

In the Western, capitalist model, the well-being of our innermost self is focused on spiritual materialism. Whether it be the accoutrement meant to signal that we are, in fact, good devotees of our faith, the compiling of praise from religious leaders, or the attitude that we must earn God’s love, all methods are methods of accumulation. Sincerity of heart seems to be missing and ignored.

But what is despair if not the feeling of an empty heart? How will modern religious practices help us mend ourselves if what needs mending is only included in a tokenized way?

This missing ingredient is why people who subscribe to these types of religious houses may often have the feeling of being looked after, but rarely feel spiritually empowered themselves and in turn fulfilled.
After all, it does not afford others power over us when we accept that, as author Paula D’Arcy says, “God comes to us disguised as our life.”
It is not lucrative to teach people that the truest House of God is one’s own body, heart and mind even though Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 5:23, “May the God of peace make you whole and holy; may you be kept safe in body, heart, and mind, and thus ready for presence.”
The earliest forms of most religions still practiced today had very few sacraments necessary when trying to connect with God. What they did have was a plethora of techniques of contemplation in order to see the Divine in themselves, and in all of creation.

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A personal story…

The first time I met Made (Maa-day) Lunas was in April of 2017. I was leading a Yoga retreat in Ubud, Bali, and I had heard of him through some students on the retreat who had described him as a clairvoyant and an energy healer. After two sisters who were on the retreat had experiences that really seemed to shake them (in the best way), I made an appointment with him along with my retreat co-lead and our dear friend.
When we arrived, we all went into the room with him together, and he began to read each of the other women in ways that were astounding. He described one woman’s family down to when her parents got divorced and which of her siblings were full, half and step, and he told her that although she had just had a major heartbreak (which she had), she would fall in love and end up with someone from a different country (which she did).
The second reading was just as accurate as the first, and when it came time to for my reading, he asked the other two women to leave the room.
He started by checking my chakras to see any imbalance, just as he had done with the others, and he did some energy healing where necessary. He talked to me about the circumstances in my life with profound accuracy, but then he began to talk to me about all the spiritual effort I had put in over the years and that I should trust it, that I would be a healer myself and that it was important I follow this path. He also told me that he would see me again.
I left feeling energetically clear and motivated, but with no plans to return to Bali as I was dismayed by how crowded and westernized it had become since first going there in 2006.

Fast forward to 2024, and my mentor and stepmother, Dr. Jennifer Freed, asked me to join a retreat she was leading in which I would lead gentle Yoga and chanting in the mornings. This retreat was taking place, you guessed it, in Ubud, Bali.
As soon as I landed on the island, I knew I needed to see Made again, but I had no delusions that he would remember me from 7 years before.
I convinced two women and one of their husbands to come with me to see him, and finally the day arrived.

When we got there, he was finishing a session with a couple who came out of his work room (more of a temple really) beaming from ear to ear. He approached our group and said hello, and then he looked back to me again. He took my hand in his, looked deeply into my eyes, and said, “Su… Susan… oh what is it….” as he searched his consciousness for my name.
"Susannah,” I said, and he pulled me into a tight hug with a huge smile on his face and said over and over, “It’s so good to see you again! I’m so happy you’re here!”
Needless to say, I was stunned.

This time he saw all of us individually, and when it was my turn, the beginning went as it had the first time I saw him. He checked my chakras, and when he got to the one he had worked on 7 years earlier, without any reminders from me, he said that it had gotten much better from when I had seen him before. He once again told me about my life with compelling accuracy, and then he asked me if I had any questions.
Very nervously I said, “I love God so so much, and, I don’t know, I’m just wondering if there’s something I’m missing or something I should know.”
He responded, “Yes. You love God very very much. You love God in the Earth, you love God in other people, you love God in Shiva, but you need to love God here,” as he put the tip of his pointer finger firmly against the center of my chest. He said, “You love God and are very close with God, but you forget to love God here,” again pointing to my own body, my own heart. “Do this,” he went on, “and everything will be alright.”

Through experiences like the one with Made, and through years of stumbling forward, I have come to accept that the way out of spiritual despair has less to do with the tools used in the effort (although when imbued with sincerity they can be very helpful). For me, it has more to do with how much I am pouring my whole self (body, mind and heart) into being present with the spirituality that exists in every unfolding of my life, including the despair itself; how willing I am, or am not, to love myself and all of existence in the way in which I have total faith God loves me and all of existence; how much I can release my attachment to, and envy of, the spiritual experience of others; how much strength I can muster to look at why I have decided to defend my heart.

“When all of you is there, you will know. When all of you is present, the banquet will begin.”
- Father Richard Rohr

These days it seems harder and harder to not let the despair turn to apathy. This is all the more reason to be present with the despair with your whole being.
Despair can be catalyzing. Apathy always sedates.

Let this be a reminder that despair itself is proof of the depth of the heart. It is proof that spiritual connection is part of your truest essence, and the despair is a reminder to do the hard work of removing the armor from your love. It is proof that your connection to the Divine has nothing to do with how many candles you light, prayers you memorize, times you cross yourself or six pointed stars you wear. It is dependent only on your ability to be present with body, mind and heart.

with love,
Susannah
Soul Guidance | Intuitive Astrology

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Read on for a step by step guide to move from despair to connection.

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